Councilwoman & Wannabe Mayor-in-exile Bet Mazin announces:
We did it! Together you and I along with my loyal cohorts Inane Blowhardy and Councilman Timmy Ackipintay have totally annihilated the scourge of Hobroken, Nania Pinkers.
In tandem with my best friend in Washington, His Royal Aloofness El Presidente Bamster, we not only burned at the stake her stupid website, Grapeleaves Forever, we had her home razed to the mofoing ground. Fortunately, the cost to Hobroken for this operation is zero as Councilman Ackipintay called NORAD and told them his tale of woe. He had not been able to sleep after having nightmares of Pinkers little kitty rubbing up against his leg - a terroristic threat to his well being. He promptly contacted the authorities to rid us of this feline menace once and for all.
The officers hearing his tale of woe were so impressed with his prissy wussiness, they summoned their best and brightest for this important mission in my honor. A team of demolition experts with a small cruise missile able to deliver a concentrated metric ton nuclear payload soon arrived.
And what a fine bombing they did! It was the best gift I've ever received from a fellow Councilmember especially considering I've bought and sold Ackipintay several hundred times over in two recent elections. His appreciation is so replete in my splendor, he only dances in speedo suits to the Michael Jackson Thriller album for me now. Eat your heart out Subsidied Towers!
Last night the Hobroken City Council held a very special meeting honoring me for all the wondrous things I've done for the community in the last 48-72 hours. While cutting taxes 25%, I hired every person no longer gainfully employed in the 3rd ward affiliated with the Mikie Squared Association. I'm so impressed with myself, I've already ordered my resume updated with this information and mailed out to your homes.
As many of you well know, I've extended my endless mercy towards the ungrateful, unrepentant Nania Pinkers who insists on rejecting not only my kindness but also those who follow my marching orders such as Councilman Ackipintay and his new developer friends who run planes, trains, automobiles and local buses.
Did she accept our kindness and control over Hobroken? No, instead she insisted on writing fanciful tales about the occupant currently holding City Hall hostage and constantly beseeches foreign law enforcement agencies to come visit us, sometimes inviting them into our very neighborhoods!
Well me and my friends finally had enough and Presidente Bamster assured me the nuclear fallout across from the P&A supermarket was a small price to pay to be rid of this Hobroken scourge. Could I do anything other but allow my minions unpaid for friendship to honor me and rid us of the Pinkers menance?
So while on vacation in the south of Francia, I paused from enjoying this lovely bottle of Margeaux you will never be able to afford and made a phone call approving this limited tactical nuclear strike. The accolades have been pouring in ever since! I'm so grateful for the millions of emails and telegrams to me at the Mazonic Temple on Redrum Street.
To honor both myself and this landmark action in my career, I'll be offering free gift certificates to Ibiza Falafel. To redeem your measly little petty coupons, please see any superintendent at an Uhpliant Building near you. Just mention my name and tell them Bet sent you. Double coupons if you can say it in Spanish followed with "glory be upon her."
I'm truly astounded at the outpouring of love and devotion all of you have shown me and promise to broadcast my latest unpublished speeches from a secluded location until we are able to overthrow the Zimmertineez like this now deceased Pinkers woman who infested our land. Their scourge must be removed forthwith!
May my mercy be upon you all,