Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Hoboken Councilwoman Beth Mason arms resistance against "monster raccoons" and dog killer possum

At last week's City Council meeting, Beth Mason lamented the attacks to her dog and other "big dogs" in the neighborhood by killer possum and monster raccoons. She's asked the mayor and the city to fund her army to tackle the onerous risks posed to Hoboken residents and its four legged friends but is deploying at once.


From the desk of interim Second Ward Councilwoman and Lt. Governor in waiting Beth Mason:



We did it! Together you and I have put together a completely effective fighting force to tackle the great risk to Hoboken residents and their pets. While the mayor has effectively failed to address the double risks of killer possum and monster raccons in our midsts, my family has bankrolled this effort to keep you and your pets safe.

Recently, a constituent wrote to me about the attacks on their pets in Elysian Park. The same thing happened to me so I knew action was required.

My family got together and agreed that backing SLAPP suits and filing phony criminal complaints against constituents isn't enough. So with your input of our being terrorized in the second ward, we've begun major efforts in protecting you and fighting fire with fire.

Here's what I've put in place:

After an intensive seven day training session, Milo was ready to take his position overlooking Elysian Park. He's on the lookout for monster raccoon and killer possum terrorizing us. I've approved a KOS (kill on sight) order.

Beth Mason funded sniper kitty Milo on the job overlooking Elysian Park

We're not leaving anything to chance though. This threat to our safety requires additional measures and the Mason family led by me is ready to take the steps Mayor Zimmer and her council majority refuses to do on your behalf. High profile deterrents will be deployed:


A trained panda situated on the corner of Elysian Park ready to
tackle monster raccoon and killer possum, courtesy of Beth Mason.

Others are joining my efforts too because they support me, Beth Mason:

Zeppo is on the job protecting us, thanks to me Beth Mason.


My recruiting efforts have even reached the rodent population:

No monster raccon or killer possum will get past Buttercup.
The Mason family underwrote all rabbit missile training.

Rodent diversity is an important part of our mutual defense:

Rocky is defending the high ground for us in Elysian Park.

As always, please feel free to contact me with any other threats in the second ward or Hoboken. The best way to reach me is by email finboyweehawken@mac.com or call the Hudson Distorter and leave a message for my staff there.